zondag 16 juli 2017

Life and change and lessons

They always talk about 'your twenties' as being an outlined period in your life where certain things are supposed to happen. I have never quite followed the normal path, so I didn't think 'your twenties' was my twenties. I thought I was missing out on all the things that were supposed to happen and I was sort of sad and confused about that. But I was also hopeful that they were still going to happen to me. That's what I tried to explain in the former post. I always lived towards something that I thought was supposed to happen. That's what kept me grounded during a period of so much change.

But the future, of course, has always been now. I have just been pushing it forward, because I didn't feel ready to take responsibility, and because I just didn't know it just yet. It's easy to hide behind a 'she's just trying to figure it all out' state of mind, telling yourself that once you have figured it all out, you will make it up.

Well, I still haven't figured it all out. But I have come to a point in my life where I think I know what the last few years were.

It was my twenties. It was me growing up. It was me learning that the world I grew up in is such a tiny part of the real world. That I cannot change who I am, but I can change my attitude. That people are stories and that it's important to not stop reading when you didn't like the first chapter. That the things I say may alter the plot, or they might not, but that it's still important to choose words carefully. And also to not think too carefully. That the world is a big coincidence on which I was coincidentally put and that the only way to make it work is to dance and to treasure and to invest.

I have let so many things go by because I was too young, I guess, to understand the meaning of them. I have put so many relationships on hold because I thought they were distracting me from being myself, while actually it was only me who did that. I put all my hope on change. So much so that I forgot all the things I already had. But I have also learned so many valuable things because of that. And that confusing synthesis is, I think, what makes our twenties 'our twenties'.

I'm grateful for this silly period in my life, it has been important. And I don't know why I feel so far from it now. Maybe it's because I'm getting married. Because I now see that I'm not just here for me. I am a part of something bigger and as much as I believe in the importance of knowing and loving yourself, life will still be hard and beautiful and weird in spite of it. And so I'm just trying to enjoy it as much as I can, fully aware of the fact that I can never know or be everything, but that I have to keep learning anyway. Like they say; it's the journey, not the destination.

vrijdag 14 april 2017

for a long time i lived looking only at the future, making choices based on what the outcome would be in the long run. i used to write a lot. composing lists of goals, plans, things i wanted to learn, people i wanted to be.

poems were quests.

my life has always been taking a step back, observing, taking it all in and then try and make sense of it. arming myself with as much as i could for when i should need it. always preparing, hoping, dreaming for something intangible.

but future came earlier than i thought. it took me by surprise and startled me, shaking up routines and certainties.

the thing about growing up is that you don't expect it to end. and in a way, of course, it doesn't. but the world doesn't stop turning just because you don't think you're there yet. where is there?

i have tried writing about this so many times, but each time it doesn't feel right.

i have lost my words
but i've found myself.

i think that's it.

one search stops, another begins